It took me a long time to realize I had anxiety. The depression on the other hand… well, I had known about that for many many years. That started in seventh grade when the bullying was beginning and then I lost my Grandfather on top of it. I struggled a lot throughout my school years, but with the help of my friends I made it through.
When the divorce happened my anxiety was out of control, but I would hide it. I would lock it away and let it eat at me like crazy. I was falling apart. Most thought it was because of the divorce, but it wasn’t. It was because of the inner battle I had going on within my own head. Everything became a chore. Part of that was because of the emotional and mental abuse I had taken for so many years and I was slowly waking up to just how bad it was.
I couldn’t cook myself dinner without going in to a panic. I couldn’t clean my room or what area of the house was considered mine, because I didn’t want to face it not being good enough. I had been put down so many times for so long that I had forgotten what it felt like to have confidence within myself. I over thought everything I did. Absolutely everything. It was miserable and I kept trying to hide it from the people who were closest to me.
One day my friend asked if I had ever gone to counseling. I hadn’t and I had no idea what it would be like, but when he said that I had realized just how unfair to him I had been by unloading all my worries and stresses on him. Throughout my time in counseling I started to become more self aware. I started to realize how much damage had been done and it was when I had finally became aware of what had really been going on. I remember breaking down in tears realizing that while I had been trying to help others I was neglecting myself and my own well being.
I’ve been out of the situation for almost 11 months, but I still struggle daily. I doubt myself constantly, but I continue to remind myself just what I have accomplished in such a short amount of time. What I’ve come to realize is that what has truly helped me is admitting that I had the anxiety. By admitting it was there I’ve been able to stand up for myself. It’s not an “in your face” way, but more of a “right now it’s just too much and I can’t handle that right now” kind of way. I’ve been able to vocalize to people when I’ve had enough and I can feel it’s becoming just too much.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to be perfect. You don’t always have to be strong. You can rely on people around you whether it’s your parents, your siblings, your friend, or someone at school or work. You have a support team and it is okay to rely on them when you need them.